No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
