i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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