a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
