If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize