i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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