I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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