I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
