I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
