Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
