Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
