And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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