ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
