I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
