i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
