shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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