just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
