If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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