oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
