pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
