I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
