i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
