How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
