how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
