So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
