An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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