anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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