The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
