Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
