I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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