Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
