I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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