You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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