I'm drive I can fine osifer
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
