i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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