Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
