My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize