my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
