Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
