sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She told me I should be a condom model.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I could fuck to npr.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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