what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
