The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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