this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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