I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
