if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
