I'm so fucking centered right now
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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