Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Randomize
