Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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