In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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