the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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