When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
