I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
