3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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