You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
