Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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