I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You are the jesus of drinking
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
