I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
