My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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