Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
