I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
